I've just been hit with the realization that I'm honestly not happy. I know that I bitch about it alot, but I've always sort of thought I was happy on the inside; just sort of dramatic. I hate my life, and I have no outlet to explain my situation without feeling like I will be judged, severely. My mom is the only one I have been almost honest with about things, and I didn't tell her everything. I know there is no way in hell I would ever be able to tell Gary anything about it, he would not understand.
Talking to my mom tonight, I finally admitted that I understand we will always be second to Gary's work. He doesn't think he is putting us second, but he is. If we had an emergency right now, and my only option was to go it alone or have Gary leave work; I know he would tell me to call him and let him know how things are going. He wouldn't leave work.

I feel very conflicted about my life. On the one hand, all I ever remember wanting was to be married and have a ton of beautiful babies; but now that I am here, I long for my freedom. I love my family, I really honestly do, but it all happened so quick. Within two years of meeting Gary, I was having his baby. We were living together, engaged, it was all just so fast. Now that I look back on it, I don't think either of us really wanted it, but we also didn't want to say anything about it for fear of losing the other.

I know that Gary doesn't like being the only one working, and I know that he believes that he is. He has no idea what it is like to have to be here with them all day, with no breaks, even if the break is going and dealing with a dumbass at work or something.

It's not that I dont want my family, I do. I just wish it would have happened later. I think about all the stuff I didnt get to do, all the things I havent seen, or places I havent been. I feel trapped. I feel like my whole life is just taking care of kids and pretending to be something I'm not for Gary. It's so hard to make myself do anything lately, all I want to do is sleep and not deal with anything. I need a break from everything, kids, Gary, family; the whole nine. I just feel overwhelmed with the simpliest tasks lately. Dishes make me cry, laundry makes me want to have a breakdown; cooking? No, thank you. I would rather starve.

I barely get dressed anymore, pjs are what I live in. My hair is always a mess, and I dont care. I cant remember the last time Gary and I actually had a good time together, that didnt end in one of us acting pissed off. Mainly him, because he thinks I am mad. That's why I cant talk to him, he takes everything personally and he judges me with every chance he has.

I don't know what to do, I dont really know that anything would make me happy at this point, so what the hell am I supposed to tell anyone? See what a lost cause I am? LOL