Why do I keep getting involved with men who don't actually care about me?I always hear about women getting men who care, and who are actually nice and I wonder; why the fuck haven't I? He cant be bothered to listen to my problems, since you know, he has his own. I am not allowed to have feelings that might be critical of something he does, because Lord knows that since I stay home all day with the kids, I must have it 1,000 times easier than he does.

I was just going to ask him to get dinner since I am dizzy when I stand up. He started blathering on about Shannon and time off, again not listening to what I have to say. Going as far as getting upset with me because he couldn't hear me on the phone... when I suggested that he ask for maybe a Monday-Thursday break, he gets defensive. "Shannon works on Mondays at Cafe" he said. Well, I know he doesn't want to have Monday off because of Open Mike Night, not because he cant have it off. Anyway, the point of this whole post is, I sighed. I know right? That of course means that I am upset about his not having a gajillion days off in a row and has nothing to do with the fact that I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE! He got mad at me, and while I was begging him to tell me what I did, he shouted "Thanks alot, Tabby!" and hung up on me. I am beginning to question if it is all worth it. I do everything on my own anyway, except make the money, wouldn't it be easier to deal with, without all the bullshit?

He wont change, he hasn't yet and its been 6 years. I can tell him until I am blue in the face everything that is wrong, and what I thought he could do to fix it, and he might try for a week. It seems like it is much easier to be the working dad, the hero if you will. The one who slaves away all day and night for his family. Never mind the fact that the only time he interacts with his wife is for sex,and he only sees his kids 30* minutes every day.

I am just so tired of walking on egg shells because I might make him upset. It's so tiring. I am seriously on the brink of a nervous breakdown, and he doesn't even know.

*I am being super generous here. It is whatever he sees them in the mornings. Lately it's been less than that, but sometimes it's more, but not by much.

Seriously, do you think we are dumb? Do you not think that between the four of us we wouldn't have been able to figure it out? Hell, I knew as soon as Mom told me, and I have never had any experience with garnishment at all. Your mistake, well your biggest mistake: TIMING. Sometimes things do fall in our laps right when we need them too, but 9 times out of 10 we are out of fucking luck. Her bank account gets frozen, leaving her broke and dying, and you make shit up to keep from helping. Just when I thought I couldn't think any less of you, you have to go and pull some shit like this. Congratulations, as soon as Mikey is out of Carrollton, I will officially have zero fucking reason to care about that damn cesspool.

Oh, and I don't call or text you because I cant stand you. You are right up there with him in the category. Get some fucking perspective. That house is not the end all of life, you have a son and you had family that would have trotted through hell for you; I just hope when all this is over, that the choices you made are worth it. No wonder you need Xanax to sleep...

I've just been hit with the realization that I'm honestly not happy. I know that I bitch about it alot, but I've always sort of thought I was happy on the inside; just sort of dramatic. I hate my life, and I have no outlet to explain my situation without feeling like I will be judged, severely. My mom is the only one I have been almost honest with about things, and I didn't tell her everything. I know there is no way in hell I would ever be able to tell Gary anything about it, he would not understand.
Talking to my mom tonight, I finally admitted that I understand we will always be second to Gary's work. He doesn't think he is putting us second, but he is. If we had an emergency right now, and my only option was to go it alone or have Gary leave work; I know he would tell me to call him and let him know how things are going. He wouldn't leave work.

I feel very conflicted about my life. On the one hand, all I ever remember wanting was to be married and have a ton of beautiful babies; but now that I am here, I long for my freedom. I love my family, I really honestly do, but it all happened so quick. Within two years of meeting Gary, I was having his baby. We were living together, engaged, it was all just so fast. Now that I look back on it, I don't think either of us really wanted it, but we also didn't want to say anything about it for fear of losing the other.

I know that Gary doesn't like being the only one working, and I know that he believes that he is. He has no idea what it is like to have to be here with them all day, with no breaks, even if the break is going and dealing with a dumbass at work or something.

It's not that I dont want my family, I do. I just wish it would have happened later. I think about all the stuff I didnt get to do, all the things I havent seen, or places I havent been. I feel trapped. I feel like my whole life is just taking care of kids and pretending to be something I'm not for Gary. It's so hard to make myself do anything lately, all I want to do is sleep and not deal with anything. I need a break from everything, kids, Gary, family; the whole nine. I just feel overwhelmed with the simpliest tasks lately. Dishes make me cry, laundry makes me want to have a breakdown; cooking? No, thank you. I would rather starve.

I barely get dressed anymore, pjs are what I live in. My hair is always a mess, and I dont care. I cant remember the last time Gary and I actually had a good time together, that didnt end in one of us acting pissed off. Mainly him, because he thinks I am mad. That's why I cant talk to him, he takes everything personally and he judges me with every chance he has.

I don't know what to do, I dont really know that anything would make me happy at this point, so what the hell am I supposed to tell anyone? See what a lost cause I am? LOL

...

Please for the fucking love of God, if I ever lose custody of my children, don't let it be in Carrollton, Ga!!

So my aunt and cousin have court ordered counseling for their "issues"; mainly the one where she threw him away to a known drug addict and child abuser. Aaanyway, the three of them had a counseling secession tonight, and he (my mom's ex husband and father to my brother) shows up FUCKING SKUNK DRUNK! And you know what, he took Mikey home with him. In the car. By himself. Apparently he acted like an ass the whole time (SURPRISE!) and interrupted the secession multiple times. I can only pray that the counselor will be telling the judge about all this, I will throw the biggest Goddamn fit EVER if Mikey is placed permanently with him.

Vickie isn't helping. She hasn't done anything the judge has asked her to do by way of finding somewhere else to live. My mom even told her tonight that she should go and stay with Nana, that way she could help take care of her and Mikey would be far away from all the bullshit down there. Vickie said she would never live with Nana again, she treats her too badly. I really need an emoticon that has it's head shaking right now.

I know what you are thinking, probably something along the lines of "lolwhut?". It's what I have been saying all night long. Oh, I almost forgot, fucktard (ex father type person) said that "I've already raised my children, and even have grandchildren. Having Mikey has been a blessing, I get to see some of the things I could have done differently with my kids; to help give them a better life. It has made me a better father and grandfather."

I'll wait while you die laughing.....

.......


.......

Better? No? Ok....

......


......

Ok, really I have to cook dinner!

......



Anyway, just in case you don't know, my children have seen him 5 times. My daughter, is almost 4 years old. I haven't heard from him since he told me that "talking to me that way will leave a really bad taste in your mouth" all ominously. He tries to intimidate me with every turn, and make me fear him. That was actually his catchphrase when we were growing up: "They will either respect me or fear me. I don't really care which.". And he didn't, and still doesn't. As long as we do what he wants and tremble in his presence he is happy. I can see that war is going to break out as soon as Nana is gone.


Is it bad that I can't wait?

Arrgh!

K, so this is just something that is pissing me off from one of the boards I practically live on. A couple of people started peppering their posts with stuff like; " X is stupid", "Y is ugly" and so on. Now we are on an adult board. (Not like that, you nasties!) After 8 or so posts a piece that have this "hidden" in them, I got irritated. Other people starting asking about it, I said: "I don't know, but I wish to hell they would stop.". When asked about it, they would both say, "I don't know what you're talking about...", when I called them out on being attentionwhores, they get offended. Tell me please, was I wrong about the attentionwhoreness of it? Isn't the very definition of "attentionwhore" doing something with the intention of having people pay attention to you? Was it not calling more attention to them, to not just say, hey it's an inside joke. We are just playing around... than it would be to say "of course we have no idea what you are talking about. We don't see anything like that in there". Bullshit. Get mad at me all you want too, I apologized for offending you, if that wasn't good enough, I cant help it. I've got too much bullshit going on elsewhere to worry about attention whores being butthurt about stupid shit.

I just don't understand...

I don't get how a man who bullies, abuses, and is generally scum of the Earth gets (temporary) custody of a human being. I am at a loss. Vickie has fucked up something fierce and I hope and pray to God she will be able to straighten it out before it's too late.

SO.FUCKING.IRRITATED.

K, so today is the big day! Britney Spears tonight!!!!1eleventyone!!1! I wanted to leave by noon since I have to drive to Dahlonega and pick my Stevers up. It is now 9:30 and Gary is still asleep. While this doesn't seem to be an issue, aside from the fact that this is going on a month he has slept in every single day; he wont let me leave until he gets the oil changed. I went and asked him what time he was planning to get up (he completely missed my sarcasm) he says "11:30 or so..." .

Umm. What.The.Fuck?!

I told him yesterday that I needed to go and get Zach some clothes, get gas, and be on the way by noon. I will repeat it, just cause I can, HE IS STILL FUCKING ASLEEP! He says he didn't get to sleep very much last night, so he needed to sleep this morning. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter that I never get to sleep, or that I am not only the sole caretaker all day, but also all goddamn night too. So, I guess I will be rocking a ponytail tonight, since I can't straighten my hair while watching the kids.

I'm just fucking over it. I know that he wont get up with them tomorrow either. I will get home at God only knows what time tomorrow morning, and I will have to get up and be up all day.

I mean, it comes to a point when working and paying the bills just isn't enough. I need help. I don't have any, and I am going fucking insane. If I say anything, I am bitching and ungrateful for all the wunnerful things he does. I mean, holy shit, he needs sleep too! Staying up all night playing computer games and downloading music is hard, y'all. ::eyeroll::

I am so stressed out, about everything. Nana is getting worse by the minute, I got so fucking scared yesterday with Abby having problems, I just can't take anything else. I am starting to think I won't make it through this. I'm not that strong, I just hide it well. LOL

Let's pray all this is over soon, or I am going to explode and hurt alot of people's feelings.

I am headed for a nervous breakdown!

As much as I fight and get very irritated with my Mom, I have come to a conclusion here lately. I rely on her for so much; most importantly, my sanity. She is the only help I really have with the kids, and with her in Atlanta I have been going insane! Emma and Nathan have been raging assholes for the past two months, and I have been their sole care provider since then.
Hell, I can't get Gary to get into bed before 3 am now that he doesn't have to be at work at 10. He stays up all night and then sleeps late. Meanwhile, I am threatening to blow my brains out to no avail.
I am not asking for anyone to take my kids forever, but GODDAMN if I am not about to throw myself off a bridge! One day a week, for half the day I get a break. While I am eternally grateful for that time, I don't see why he couldn't get up with them more than once a week. He seems to think because he works outside our home, that he is more deserving of sleep or something.
He apparently "likes to stay up late" it gives him "time to himself". Meanwhile, I have ZERO time to myself and I am seriously headed towards a breakdown. I suppose it's easy to think I am trying to be "emo" or "over dramatic" but honestly, I'm not. I can feel myself spiraling towards a very bad depression and I am trying to tell someone before it gets too bad.

I just wish someone would listen.

This could be the end...

Sorry to be so very emo, but I am stressing hard core about some stuff lately. As most of you know, Nana is in horrendous health. She is literally on her death bed and her doctors have told us that stress is the number one thing we need to keep her from.
Well, tell that to the fuckers that are her two youngest children. They seem to relish in the fact that all they do is cause drama and confusion. The man my mother was married to (who may or may not be my father) is the worst. Not only is he a meth head, but he also has been "taking care"* of the son my aunt dropped at his doorstep when her abusive boyfriend decided he didn't like him.
Now after a few months of my 14 year old cousin being with this asshole, my aunt, his mother has decided she wants him back. She is planning on going and picking him up as soon as it stops snowing or some such. Now, you may think this would be a good thing right? Wrong. Her boyfriend has threatened them both with guns, hit her so very hard that he knocked her teeth out, and has promised to one day kill her. Not the best home life for a child, I am sure you will agree.
This is the problem, no one wants to do anything about it right now, for fear that Nana will get so upset she dies. My aunt going and picking my cousin up is a wonderful thing in the aspect that he will no longer be given drugs and told to "fuck as many girls as possible, if they offer it, TAKE IT!", but this asshole that is my grandmother's only son will no doubt call my grandmother and tell her all about it. I have come to think he can't help it, he has to tell someone, anyone, just how bad his life is. He has to have someone feel sorry for him, it justifies (to him) the drug use, the verbal and physical abuse, everything. If someone is "oh, so very mean" to him, he is the victim.
The point I was trying to make, badly at that, is that when he calls my grandmother she is going to flip the fuck out. She has no problem whatsoever pointing out the flaws of everyone else, but him. To her, he is perfect. Exactly what a man should be; he watches porn constantly, he is unable to be monogamous, and he has no problem beating the shit out of women and children if they "misbehave". Nana wants my cousin to be with him, so he can have a "father figure". This is the same person who makes crude remarks about 13 and 14 year old girls and what he would like to do to them, laughs hysterically at the fact that he fucked my brother's childhood beyond all repair. This man is quite possibly the worst human being to have ever been born.
I hate him with everything that I am. He makes me physically ill to see him or worse yet, have to talk to him.
I am going to take great pride in telling him to fuck off and die a horribly painful death after Nana goes. It is the only thing I am looking forward too in this whole mess.


* Meaning he is letting him drink; take all the drugs he wants and have tons of girls over. Basically letting him do whatever he wants too, and only saying anything when he can't join in.